She was right to be nervous, but I wish she didn't have to be

An interaction happened at my daughter's soccer practice last month that has stayed with me ever since. A cluster of parents were sitting on the sidelines, and an African-American woman approached us with her hand extended, holding a set of car keys. She showed them to the few of us seated together and asked "Are these yours? Did anyone drop a set of keys?"

I looked long enough to realize they weren't mine, smiled and said, "No, but thanks for asking." The other parents did the same and all shook their heads. 

She frowned, sighed and said under her breath, "I wish I had never picked these things up."

Trying to be helpful, one of the dads offered a suggestion. "Why don't you go to the parking lot and hit the alarm button. That'll tell you which car it is, and the alarm will get the attention of the car owner. You can hand them off that way." He smiled and sat back in his seat, proud of himself for coming up with such a simple solution. 

She shook her head and said, "Thanks, but I can't do that." 

He offered a different tactic. "Or maybe don't hit the alarm, but see which car unlocks and just leave the keys on the windshield."

She shook her head and started to walk away, "Thanks, but I can't do that either. I'll just keep making the rounds."

This man looked at all of us, and shrugged his shoulders. "Well, I tried. I don't know why that wouldn't work."

The woman turned back around, chagrined and said, "I would love to be able to do that, but it's just not an option for me. You don't think it would cause some drama if a black woman was wandering around a parking lot randomly trying to unlock a car? Or making the alarm go off, holding keys that aren't hers? Thanks, but I can't risk someone calling the cops on me. I need to be able to take my son home tonight." Then, she turned to go approach the next cluster of parents on the soccer field to our right. 

We all resumed watching our kids play, and after a heavy pause, the dad commented, "Does she really think that someone might call the cops? She's just trying to be helpful. Man, that's crazy." 

But is it? 

In the month since that happened, the news has reported on a series of incidents much like the one she was afraid of. Whether it was a student falling asleep in a college library or a real estate investor checking out a new property, over and over, a white person has called the police to report "suspicious activity" by a black person, when there was really no suspicious activity at all. 

So, this woman did have a right to be nervous. Her instinct to do a nice thing by picking up lost keys  turned into something that she legitimately worried may prevent her from being able to drive her son home from soccer practice for fear of having the police called on her. 

It has stuck with me ever since. I know that all of us seated together that night learned a memorable lesson about privilege. I also know that unless we all keep talking about it with each other, things will never change - and I want them to change. I want those kids playing out on the soccer field that night to grow up in a culture that doesn't assume bad intentions based on the color of their skin. I want those kids to have the true freedom to walk around in the world, without fear of being interrogated or questioned. 

And you know what? I want it for their parents, too. 

Crying in front of strangers

A few weeks ago, I was at one of my many doctors' appointments - this time, the endocrinologist, and he said that he was going to recommend some additional blood work to see what is going on my thyroid gland. (Spoiler alert: it's fine.) It had been a long week at work, a long week at home, and a long few weeks of feeling like I was getting lots of tests and no answers. So, to learn that I had to have MORE tests was not what I wanted to hear.

It was the end of the day for the lab where he sent me to have my blood drawn too. The helpful nurse in his office recommended I scurry over before they closed for the afternoon. So, I ran (literally ran) down the hallway to the lab, and sure enough, they were closed. I tucked my tail and went back to the doctor's office to report my failure, and the helpful nurse offered to escort me down the hallway to the lab to see if she would have better luck than I did.

When we got to the door, she knocked, and a very frustrated woman came to the door. "Can I help you?" The helpful nurse explained what I needed, and the lab technician told her that it was too late because she was already shut down for the night. As the helpful nurse tried to plead on my behalf, I felt the end of my nose start to tingle and my cheeks get hot, and I knew that I was going to cry.

Embarrassed, I scurried towards the elevator and mumbled that I would just come back another day. Helpful Nurse insisted, "No, we can work this out." Lab Lady wasn't feeling it, but saw that I was crying and said I could come on in. Helpful Nurse came over to the elevator, took me by the hand, and led me back to the lab and told me to call her the next day for a follow up appointment.

Lab Lady went about getting everything set up to get what the doctor had ordered, and I just sat there and cried, silently. I was worn out, exhausted, frustrated, scared - and hitting the road block of the lab being closed (which would have meant taking more time off of work, delayed results, etc.) was the straw that broke this camel's back. I am not a huge fan of crying to begin with, much less in front of strangers, so I was mortified on top of everything else.

I apologized, trying to explain why I was so upset and thanked her for reopening the lab after she had already closed down for the day (a few minutes early, but who's counting?). She simply said, "We all have days like that. Don't worry about it." Then, she took the blood efficiently and sent me on my way.

Fast forward to my follow up appointment where the doctor says that since my thyroid has turned out to be fine that he wants to check my pituitary gland, and wants to get more lab work done. (Another spoiler alert: it's fine, too.) Imagine my dread when I was sent back to see Lab Lady for the follow up tests. I walked in to the lab, signed in and sat down to wait. No more than 20 seconds later, she called me back.

I debated whether I should acknowledge that I was "The Crier" from a few weeks earlier, but decided to let sleeping dogs lie and stay silent while she went about getting everything ready for my blood draw. I was looking out the window trying to avoid eye contact, when I heard her sniff and turned to face her.

Her eyes were brimmed with tears, and her lips were pursed tightly. She was doing everything she could not to cry. I asked, "Are you okay?" and she quickly apologized. I waved it off and asked her again, "Please don't apologize. You seem upset. Are you okay?" This time, she didn't hold back. She told me about how her mom had passed away a year prior, and that today, on the anniversary, she was missing her even more than she expected. She'd had an extremely vivid dream about her the night before and when she woke up and realized that it was only a dream, she was feeling the loss all over again.

I asked her if it was alright if I hugged her, and she nodded. So, I stood there and hugged Lab Lady as she cried for a solid five minutes. When she ran out of steam, she pulled back and apologized again. I said, "Please don't apologize. I don't know if you remember me or not, but I was in here crying just last week! Now, we are even!" Then, I asked her to tell me about her mom and what she loved most about her. She brightened and started telling me about some of the many wonderful memories of her mom while she started to take my blood again.

After she was finished and I was getting ready to head out the door, I asked her if she was going to be alright. She assured me she would and thanked me for being there when she needed some comfort. I thanked her for allowing me to fall apart the week prior and said, "I guess our paths were destined to cross for just that reason!"

We will probably never see each other again (no offense, but I hope not because I am all done with getting blood drawn, thankyouverymuch!), but I am so glad that we were able to come full circle and see each other just one more time. After feeling so embarrassed about my own crying, I didn't want to even make eye contact with her - and it turned out that I was in the perfect position to be there for her because of the very fact that I had cried in the first place. It always amazes me how God can line that up, if we are paying attention.