Sunday, November 4, 2012

Time to go back to work

This week, I go back to work after being off for the past 10 weeks - I've been in my little maternity leave cocoon, which has been incredibly challenging and awesome, at the same time. 

I have never been so tired in my entire life - and I thought I was prepared for being tired by doing a radio morning show for years, and getting up at 4am.  Silly me.  So many people have suggested that I should "sleep when the baby sleeps", but unfortunately, I have never really been a good sleeper.  I wake up at the smallest sounds (and Diana makes a lot of small sounds), and it takes me a very, very long time to fall back asleep.  It's always been that way, and even when I am exhausted, it seems to be the same way. 

Spending time with my daughter has been incredible.  In just two months, she's already becoming more of an actual person - a real human being - rather than just a wobbly blob that needs me to feed her every few hours.  She has the best smile, and each time she smiles, my heart melts a little more.  This week, she has started to really hold her head up, and to push off of my lap with her strong little baby legs to make herself stand up - and she swells with pride when she does.  Just this morning, she almost rolled over from her back to her belly - I am sure it's going to happen any day now.  I am going to miss those moments. 

However, I am ready to go back to work - I am ready to feel creative again, talk to adults (other than my husband, who works at home!) on a daily basis, and get back to what I love to do.  I feel guilty even typing those words, because I often feel like I "should" want to stay home with Diana all day.  The honest truth is that I think we will both be better off with a little outside stimulation.  I have a pretty great situation, workwise.  Because of my schedule, I am finished most days by noon-ish, so I will still be able to spend a lot of quality time with my little one, and do what I love for work. 

Will it be a constant struggle to try to find balance?  Of course.  Will I miss her while I am at work?  Of course.  Will I have days where I want to throw in the towel and quit?  Of course.  But overall, I think I will be a better mommy if I am happy - and once of the things I have learned while being away from work, is that work makes me happy.

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