It is with a truly broken heart that I am writing today. My dog, Chelsea, has yet to return home to me.
In an attempt to "walk the walk", I got on my knees prayed this morning to God - and thanked him for keeping Chelsea safe, warm and fed until we can be reunited. I thanked Him for the person taking care of her - and for the one that would return her to me. Even as I prayed the words, I felt the weight on my chest get a little lighter. It was good for a moment, which is progress for me right now.
This is in very sharp contrast to last night, when I found myself rocking back and forth, heaving sobs, unable to take a deep breath, unable to pull myself away from the computer in the hopes that one more email or post would lead to the person that would return her to me, safe and sound. I literally felt numb - other than the ripping ache in my heart, a true heartbreak, stronger than I have felt in a long, long time.
I am having a hard time balancing my desire to live by the motto: "In all things, give thanks", with the stark and painful reality that Chelsea remains missing. How can I be grateful for her being missing? I just can't make myself do it. I believe that God has a plan - and because I believe that, I know that this is part of it. I just can't reconcile what I know of a loving and forgiving God, with one that allows this (and so many other bad things) to happen.
Because I can't find any reason to be grateful that she is gone, I have to look a little deeper to see what about this very sad situation might hold that I can be grateful for.
Here's what I can come up with, so far:
- that so many compassionate and wonderful people have offered to help and to pray - if nothing else, this has restored my faith in other people's capacity to literally help thy neighbor.
- that I work in a public medium - it helped me spread the word to a much wider audience than I would have been able to otherwise.
- that my bosses offered to use even more of the media tools available to is to help to spread the word: tv commercials, email blasts, interviews on sister stations
- that my friends and family are checking on me - it's nice to be loved.
- that S was home to help look and when it got dark, just to hold me whole I cried.
- that there are so many organizations in place to help lost animals
- that the rain has stopped for now - at least, if she is outside, she is not wet.
- that my husband didn't question how much money I have spent on efforts to find her
That's all I can come up with right now - and considering the state of my heart, that's actually pretty good.
Dear God, I don't understand this whole thing, please help me accept and learn the lessons available here. Please bring Chelsea home to me safely. Please keep her safe until then. Amen.