Anyone that knows me knows that I love kids. As a matter of fact, it's kind of a joke among my friends - they call me the "baby whisperer". I love to hold babies, and rock them to sleep. At gatherings, if there are kids there, I am down on the floor or out in the backyard with them.
Earlier this year, when one of my very good friends had a baby boy, S and I went to go visit them in the hospital. As we were about to walk in to the room, S looked down and remarked that he was glad I had brought the purse I did. I couldn't, for the life of me, figure out why he would care about my purse choice, until he made his follow up comment, "Because I know you won't be able to fit the baby in there to steal it."
So, now, we are married - and part of the reason that we picked the wedding date that we did was so we could start trying to have kids sooner than later. I am 35 - which means that I don't have too long to wait, especially if we want to have more than one (which we do!).
S is of the school of thought that we just do a lot of what newlyweds do, and that God will take care of the rest. As for me...well, I wanted to be a little more proactive. I downloaded an app on my phone to chart my most fertile days. I read a big old book about how to get pregnant. I used a ovulation tester kit, so I could have more proof of when it was "go time".
You know what makes someone not want to make a baby with you? Talking incessantly about making a baby. Reading a fertility book in bed. Peeing on a stick. Charting your most fertile days on your iPhone.
So, the big question is: What's my hurry, and more importantly, what's my worry? In the past, with EVERYTHING that I have turned over to God and His timing, it has always worked out for the best: I have the best husband in the world. My dog is home safe and sound. My career continues to surprise me. My family is awesome. My health is great. My friends are fantastic. We have a savings account, a place to live and clothes on our backs. All of those things were, at one point or another, things I had to give over to God and let Him figure out how to give them back to me.
For some reason, I am more afraid about truly turning this over. What if it takes a really long time? What if He decides to make it really tough for us to get pregnant? What if He decides that we aren't meant to be parents, in the traditional way? What if, what if, what if?
My fabulous therapist, E, reminded me yesterday that I have had to exercise faith in a pretty darn big way on those things listed about, and she believes that part of the reason that they turned out so well was because I was able to have gratitude while waiting for my answer from God and the outcome.
So, here goes - a gratitude list about where I am, right now. Today, I am grateful for:
- friends and family that love me enough to care about me getting what I want that they ask how the process is going.
- the fact that people aren't horrified at the idea of me being a parent (one of my greatest fears is that I'll share with someone that I want to be a parent, and they will shriek in horror at the thought).
- being financially stable enough to consider the idea of bringing a child into our family
- examples within my close friends of people that had trouble getting pregnant...but eventually did. (They are truly rock stars...and they know who they are.)
- a reminder from E to be grateful, under all circumstances, not just when things are going the way that I want them to. (Damn therapists...)
- a husband to walk this journey with (it wasn't so long ago that I actually had contemplated becoming a single parent, on purpose.)
- the power of prayer - even if it doesn't change the outcome, I know it'll change me.
Ok, Dude - I'll be patient, and wait on Your timing. I know it hasn't been that long that we've been trying - but since I've been waiting for my entire adult life to become a momma, it sure feels like it. Please remove this obsession from me - and help me to enjoy the process and my marriage, kid free. Thanks for the many blessings you've give me for this journey - and the reminders to stay grateful. Amen.