What I learned after running through the airport

Anyone that knows me knows that I love a good plan and schedule. I live by my calendar and pride myself on being organized. Lately, that has become even more necessary due to my increased work travel. With life getting more and more hectic, it soothes me to be able to look on my calendar and know that everything is "handled".

For the past three weeks, I have been on the road for work and the mommy guilt has been strong. That got kicked up a notch last week when I got a note from Diana's school with instructions for this week's "end of year program". When I put it on the calendar at the beginning of the year, I thought it was some sort of classroom party, so it didn't register that it was, for all intents and purposes, a mini-graduation. I was scheduled to be at a conference all week (and had even told some of my colleagues that I would cover a big meeting at the conference so they could go to their own children's graduations). I figured Steven could bring the snacks or whatever we signed up to bring and that would be that.

Then, when the note came, I knew that I couldn't miss it. Flights were changed, plans were scrapped, meetings reassigned - but it was all going to work out, after a little scrambling. I got up before the crack of dawn to make my flight in order to be home in time, and everything seemed to be coming together until my flight from Phoenix landed in Atlanta.

I knew the connection time was going to be a little tight, but my heart sunk when the announcement came on that we weren't able to pull up to the gate right away. I was in the back of the plane and there were hundreds of people that were going to need to get off before I did. I looked at my phone for the gate for my connecting flight and it was in another terminal. My heart sunk again. I watched the status on my phone change to "Boarding" for my next flight and watched the clock tick forward over and over as I waited for the plane to pull up and the other passengers to get OUT OF MY WAY! (Side note: I didn't actually yell that, which is a testament to some major spiritual progress...)

When I was finally able to deplane, I took off running. Literally. It was not a graceful run, since I was lugging a heavy purse and pushing/pulling a rolling suitcase. Between my huffs and puffs, I muttered "Excuse me!" and "I'm sorry!" to everyone I passed or bumped, but I didn't look back because I was only focused on getting on that next plane. I hobbled down the escalator as far as I could hoping that shaving a few extra seconds off of my time would get me on the next tram to the right terminal, and just in the nick of time, jumped on the tram. When the tram stopped, I shoved my way off and started running again. First, up the escalator, and then, through the terminal, again muttering to everyone I passed.

All I could think was "please don't let me miss this flight, please don't let me miss this flight..." My mommy guilt kept my legs moving, faster than they have in a long time. In my head, I could hear my daughter saying "Mommy, why do you keep working all the days? When are you coming home?" I didn't want to let my girl down.

Finally, I arrived at the gate, right as they were making their last call. There was one woman in line ahead of me, and one person at the gate. Something was wrong with his ticket, so the flight attendant starting working on the computer trying to get it sorted out. I let out a huge sigh of relief and slumped over the handle of my suitcase. The woman in front of me turned around, placed her hands on top of mine, looked me in the eyes and said, "Breathe, baby, you made it." I just nodded and complied. "Take another one, baby. You're okay. I don't want you to fall out and miss your plane after all that running."

I apologized and told her that I didn't mean to be such a mess. I started to explain about my crazy three weeks of travel and having to change everything around to make this flight because I didn't pay close enough attention, and she stopped me and said, "Honey, it's always going to be something. You made it. That's all she's going to even remember. Don't pile on guilt that doesn't need to be there."

The ticket agent figured out the person's issue in front of us and we all made our way down the gangway. My new friend chatted as we walked down the aisle about her travels to see all of her grandbabies that were graduating and how proud she was of them. Her voice was so soothing that I felt my angst just fall away. Right before we got on the plane, she turned around and said, "I mean it, now. No more piling on guilt that doesn't need to be there. Remember to breathe, baby, and you'll be fine." She covered my hands with hers one more time, smiled, and took her seat.

I am so grateful for that woman. She recognized my angst and chose to reach out, instead of ignore. Her kind words of reassurance and the reminders to breathe helped more than she could probably imagine. It was a powerful example for me of the need to pay attention to those around us and look for a chance to connect and offer assurances. She could have been playing on a phone and not noticed or chosen to ignore the panting, hot mess of a mom behind her in line. Instead, she reached out, extended some grace and mercy and it made all the difference.

Why I was so excited to bake muffins with Diana

Mother's Day is bittersweet for me again this year. I absolutely love being a mom, even when it's really challenging, but I hate that my own mother isn't here to see her namesake becoming this spunky, fun little human.

On Friday afternoon, Diana's school had a Mother's Day party. We ate snacks together, and the kids presented us with these sweet little collages that they made. Instead of heading back into work after the party, I decided to spend the rest of the afternoon with my little one as my own Mother's Day gift to myself. 

We went for a walk, we colored in a couple of her favorite coloring books, we played tag, we ate pizza together, and then, we got to do this: 

My husband snapped this photo with his phone from the other room. That's Diana and me making muffins together. It was our first attempt at baking together, and my heart is still full because of it. 

It might seem like a little thing to most people - why get so excited about muffins?? But for me, it felt like I was carrying on a family tradition.

My mom was an incredible baker and cook. She was MacGuyver in the kitchen - she could whip up pretty much anything from nothing, and it was always really good. She loved the act of creating something that would bring people happiness and comfort, something that would sustain and nurture. We had a giant cookie jar in our kitchen, and it was always full with something yummy. When she died, many of the condolence cards mentioned her skills in the kitchen. 

I loved to be in the kitchen with my mom. Who doesn't love to watch a master artist apply their craft?

One of my favorite memories of my mom was from a random day after middle school, when I came banging through the front door before my brother and sister got home, and she was singing along to Lionel Richie on the radio and setting out all the ingredients for us to make her trademark chocolate chip cookies. When she saw me come in, she didn't stop singing, she just grinned and motioned for me to join her. (I still get choked up with I hear "You Are"....)

Over the past 14 years since she died, when I've struggled with missing her or needed to feel connected, I have often resorted to stepping into the kitchen, pulling on an apron, and getting my hands busy making something from her baking repertoire. 

On Friday, I was loving the time I got to spend with Diana, but found myself thinking about how much I wished my mom was still around to be a part of her life. Instead of wallowing in that or letting it ruin an otherwise really lovely afternoon, I decided to show Diana how her grandmother would have loved to be spending time with her. 

So, I pulled out the ingredients to make muffins and all the bowls, spoons and muffin tins, I plopped Diana up on the counter, and held her hands as she put in the eggs, water and oil. I held the bowl as she sloppily stirred everything together. I found myself saying the same things to her that my mom used to say to me: "Make sure you get you get all the lumps out", "don't eat too much of that now or you'll feel sick", and "great job, sweetie, great job." 

Diana loved it. As a matter of fact, she loved it so much that we made two batches! Then, when we were done, I wrapped them up, and we delivered them to our neighbors to say "Happy Mother's Day" to them because that's what my mother would have done. 

Today, I am grateful for having had a mother that taught me about the love of baking and of caring for others with her example of a life of service and sharing, and for the fact that while she's not here anymore, her legacy can live on and on if I choose to share it with her granddaughter, Diana, and all of you.

Our girl is on the move

A lot has happened since the last time I wrote - I started a new job (which I love!), we almost sold the house (which didn't pan out, thank goodness!), we took a vacation with my husband's family down to Pensacola Beach (baby's first time at the beach...MUCH more work than we realized it was going to be!), and now, our little 11 month old wiggle worm is officially a walker!

Check out this adorable video of some of her first tentative steps.  She's getting more confident and daring each minute, so I am sure I will have more to post soon of her jogging around the house!

I've Been Waiting Ten Months For This

It was a good weekend with the family.  My handsome husband was in full on "get stuff done around the house" mode (which I highly encourage!), so I got to spend some quality time, one on one, with my little one. 

We've been trying out new "big girl" food - and like her momma and daddy, she's a big fan of breakfast! 

Messy Breakfast Baby - June 2013

We spent some time on one of Momma's favorite hobbies:  couponing.

Couponing with Momma - June 2013

S took a break from house stuff on Sunday morning, and we all got dressed up and went to church. 

Time for church - June 2013

The best part of the weekend, though, was her new favorite word!  I have been waiting for 10 months to hear this sweet sound!

Giggly Girl

Here's news that will surprise no one:  It's kind of exhausting to keep a baby entertained for hours at a time.  S was working last night - so, it was MY job to find ways to occupy Diana.  As it turns out - she thinks I am kind of funny:

How could I be in a bad mood when I hear THAT? 

Today, I am grateful for:
- Baby Giggles
- Beautiful weather that lets us go for walks every day
- Physical therapy that makes me capable of going for walks
- Pay day (Woo hoo!)
- Friends coming to dinner tonight

Dear God, thank You for a happy, healthy baby - I know it's cliche, but I swear I don't take it for granted.  I am also digging on this weather and having my knee on the mend - getting out and enjoying Your sunshine and handiwork.  Also, thank You for giving my family the resources to make ends meet and prepare for our next step to buy a new home in the next year.  Finally, I want to thank you for the support and encouragement from my friends - I remember a time where I didn't feel like I had any allies left in the whole world, and now, You've seen fit to surround me with love and kinship.  Thank You for these many blessings - and all of the others I didn't list specifically.  Please show me if I can be of service to You and Your kids today.  Amen. 

Being A Motherless Mother

Snuggling with Diana - May 2013

With Mother's Day coming up, I am thinking a LOT about my dear sweet mother.  As I've said many times, she was the closest thing to an angel I'll ever know. Now that I am a mother, I have such a different understanding and appreciation for my mom - and it turns out that I am not the only one.  In the past two days, I read two awesome posts about Mother's Day/motherhood that I want to share:

In the first, Maggie Lamon Simone talks about how she fought becoming her mother for years - and now, it's all she wants to be.  I can completely relate to feeling like that.  As a teen, and in my early 20's, I was often dismissive, mean, and full of contempt to a woman that never showed me anything but love, patience and faith.  These days, I just hope to be half of the woman and mother she was.

Maggie was, too:  "My mom is patient and loving and trusting, even toward some who seemed undeserving, and as a result I thought her blind. She is devoted, even to a husband who had demons enough for both of them, and I thought her weak. She has an implicit faith and almost spiritual innocence usually reserved for children, even when faced with unimaginable loss, and I thought her naïve. 

And she has a commitment to her family and her life that, unbelievably, I found limiting. She is secure and beautiful and strong, and I misread it all.

What I mistook for blindness was the most profound patience and ability to forgive that I have ever witnessed. I thanked her by doing every possible wrong thing, taking every possible wrong turn, learning every possible lesson the hard way -- academically, romantically, alcoholically -- almost daring her to turn away from me. She never did.

What I mistook for naivete was, in fact, the kind of unquestioning faith in God, in herself and in others that I now envy. I thanked her by not believing in anything, not even myself."

In the second, Claire Bidwell Smith talks about being a motherless mother.  Now that she has children of her own, she feels reconnected to her own mother in ways she never anticipated - and that's my experience, as well.   I can actually feel my mother coming through me as I start to navigate the waters of parenthood with Diana.

Claire writes:  "And in this wildly unexpected way, I feel as though I have been given my mother back. Time and time again, I hear her voice in mine, I feel her hand in mine. She is there with me when I'm teaching Vera how to bake cookies, or when I'm up in the middle of another sleepless night, cradling my smallest. 

It's not even that I feel like she's been given back to me, but that my mother has been given to me anew. I understand her in a way I never did before. I see her in a way I never did. When I tuck my girls into bed at night, when I smooth Vera's hair away from her forehead when she has a fever, or scoop Juliette into my arms after a tumble, my heart spilling over for them, I often find myself breathless with the realization of just how much my mother loved me. 

They will never know her the way I did. They will never call her grandma or experience any of her mischievous adventures. They will never get care packages in the mail from her or cook with her in the kitchen as I did. But they will know her in the way that I love them, in the way that I see them and hear them and name them."

In small ways, every day, I am starting to like I know my mom more than I ever did, and it makes me sad and grateful at the same time.  It's complicated to be a motherless mother.  Honestly, I hate being part of this club, but it is comforting to know that I am not alone. 

Don't Buy Me A Mother's Day Present - Really!

My daughter is 7 months old, and I am basically obsessed with her. Anyone that knows me knows that I love being a mom - and I obviously write it about her adventures quite frequently here in this blog.

So, my husband was SHOCKED when I told him I didn't want a Mother's Day present.  I really, really, really don't.  This isn't a trick, this isn't a game.  I don't want one.  Actually, to be more accurate, I don't need one. 

I just had a birthday last weekend, and he went WAY over the top for it, which was fun...but now, as a mom, I am much more aware of what that money could be used to buy (i.e. diapers, clothes, day care...).  While it was super sweet that he got me an awesome Coach purse (kudos to him for picking out a good one!), and took me out to not one, but TWO birthday dinners, I was stressed out the whole time, calculating what he had spent so far.

Tuesday night, we were paying bills, and I made him look me in the eye, hear the words that I was saying and PROMISE that he wasn't going to buy me anything for Mother's Day.  Get me a card or something.  Write me a letter that tells me what a good mom I am (and hopefully, you won't have to lie!).  Or better yet, take care of the things that need to be done around the house for the entire day.  I definitely wouldn't mind having a day off!  (Not that he doesn't usually help...but to have a whole day off would be pretty awesome!)

My mother used to reply, when we asked her what she wanted for a particular holiday, with the same thing, every time:  "I just want you kids to get along."  As an adult, now, I know she actually meant that! 

Am I nuts?  Am I setting a dangerous precedent?  Will I live to regret announcing this to my husband and to you all? 

I don't care.  I don't need "stuff".  Don't get me wrong...I LIKE stuff.  I just know now that I don't need it to feel like I am appreciated or recognized.  These days, I would much rather a sweet compliment, a nice letter, or an act of kindness.  So, if my husband asks you - recommend one (or all) of those, please!  I really mean it! 

(*Note:  This doesn't mean that everyone else feels the same way.  Please consult the mothers on your list to find out if they would like presents or not.  You don't want to mess this one up.  Trust me.)

We are in trouble - she's officially crawling now!

Last night, Diana was playing on her play mat - and I had one of her favorite toys positioned a little distance away.  After weeks of doing the "Army Crawl", she decided to really go for it.  She tucked her legs up under her, and start crawling.

It's amazing to me that, one day, Diana can't do something, and then, the next day, it's like she's been doing it for months!

She can't crawl - but she's getting where she want to go!

Diana is now officially 7 months old - and she wants to crawl SO badly!  She is really close to making it happen, too.  She can get up on all fours and rock back and forth - but when it comes to actually moving, she gets a little frustrated and has found a more efficient way to get from point A to point B:  an army crawl.  She drops her back end, and drags herself across the floor to the toy she wants!

Why I Take and Share So Many Pictures of My Daughter

It was a weekend of firsts for our little family:  first trip to see the Easter Bunny, first trip to Oak Mountain State Park, first time in a swing.  Of course, I had the camera going the whole time - I didn't want to miss a minute.   The professional photographer at the Walgreens where they had the Easter Bunny set up even had to remind me to let HIM take his photo first (the one we paid him to take!), before jumping in with my camera.

There's a couple of reasons that I want to take so many photos (and post them).  First, I do it because a lot of my family and friends live far away.  The only way for them to keep up with all of her "firsts" and fun moments is for me to take photos and videos and post them.  I wish they could all be with us all of the time, but the harsh reality is that we just don't get to see them that often.

The second, and more important, reason is because I know what it's like not to have them.  As most of you know, I lost my mom almost 13 years ago to breast cancer, at the age of 50.  It was long before I met and fell in love with husband, and long before I had the incredible opportunity to become a mom to Diana.

As we travel through the awesome journey of all of Diana's firsts, I would love to talk to my mom about them...but obviously, I can't.  The next best thing would to have photos of them, but most of those don't exist or got misplaced along the way.  

So, I've been taking photos of EVERYTHING so that Diana has a record of all of her firsts and fun moments along the way.  I certainly hope I am around for a very long time, and that I am here to have conversations with Diana when she has her first child...but just in case, I am playing paparazzi and historian.  If she ever wonders what her youth was like, you can just point her here.  (I've also started her an email account where I email her fun photos and videos, and share thoughts about her growth and life. It's kind of like a virtual baby book!)

I'm also trying to make an effort to be IN the photos (totally against my nature), so that she has her mom as part of her memories.  Too many times, I see moms behind the camera - and left OUT of the photos, and I want to make sure that doesn't happen to our family. 

So, if you'll indulge me - here are some memories we made this weekend. 

Dressed up for the Bunny!

"Hmmm...I am not sure about this guy..."

Bundled up and ready to roll at the park!

She's a happy girl hanging out with her mommy and daddy at the park!

First swing - Daddy's pushing!

Mommy's turn to push!

 

"Okay, now, I am starting to like this whole swinging thing!"

 

And now, for the video!   

For more photos:  https://www.facebook.com/media/set/?set=a.10151405721098355.1073741826.738188354&type=1&l=d4be64c2b3

Pretty Girl in her Party Dress

On Wednesday night, we took Diana to dinner for a friend's birthday - and I decided to get her all dressed up in one of the outfits that my awesome mother-in-law got for her for Easter.  I have never really been a girly girl, but it is so much fun to dress Diana in pretty girly clothes!   The good news is that she seems to be a willing model! 

Does this count as her first word?

Saturday night, I was changing Diana - and she was talking up a storm!  Just making noises, being cute...so, after I got her redressed, I decided to roll a little video so I could show S later that night.

Then, it sounded like she said her first word....

Does that count?  Did she say what I think she did??  S is pretty psyched.  Now, we haven't been able to replicate the moment...but he is claiming dibs on her first word! 

Why going to a Zac Brown Band concert is kind of stressing me out

Tomorrow night, S and I are going to see the Zac Brown Band concert at the BJCC.  I love seeing live music and have been excited for this show for week, but now, going to the concert is majorly stressing me out. I feel like it's like cramming for a test and prepping for prom at the same time!

About a week ago, I had the thought that I needed to spend some more time listening to the music of the band in order to better enjoy the show.  Now, I find myself driving around listening to all ZBB, all the time.  I almost feel like I am studying for a test...as if learning the words to the songs is going to enhance my experience at the show or that there is going to be some penalty if the band plays a song I haven't heard before.  What is that all about?? 

Then, for Christmas, my brother in law and his girlfriend got tickets to the same show.  Initially, I was excited for them to be going to the same show, but then, the conversation turned to what we were all going to wear to the show and panic began to set in.  I have never been a girl that gets dressed up for shows - I always thought it was kind of silly to get all gussied up for a concert, since it was pretty unlikely that anyone from the band was going to look out to the audience and see some girl all dressed up and decide that she was "the one" (and admit it, that's the main reason girls get dressed up when they go to shows!).   However, now, I want to pick out the perfect outfit to wear when we go see the show - and I have spent more time than I care to admit, mentally going through my wardrobe to see what would be the best combination.  What is that all about?? 

Here's what's really going on:  I want to look "cool".  I want to have that moment where my husband or someone I don't even know looks at me, and I am perfectly lip syncing along to the song being sung from the stage, or even better, actually singing the words and harmonizing (the music geek in me just can't help attempting to harmonize!!).  I want them to think, "Wow, look how cool Jeannine is...she knows all the words!", or even better, "Holy cow, is she harmonizing??  She shouldn't be down here watching the show, she should be on stage!"  I want my brother in law's gorgeous girlfriend to have a minute where she looks at my outfit and thinks, "I wish I could wear that outfit and look like that!" or "She always looks so put together, I am so impressed" (which is what I usually think when I see HER!).

Especially since having the baby, I have been kind of struggling with my identity and self confidence.  Alright, that's a lie.  I have been REALLY struggling.  After years of working in a "cool" industry like radio, I now feel more defined by my role as a mom.  Can being a mom be "cool"?  Let me wipe the spit up off of my shoulder before I let you answer that question.

I am also struggling with my post-baby body.  My weight has been a struggle for a lot of my adult life, but I had gotten down to a good healthy weight for the wedding and was feeling pretty good about myself...before I got pregnant.  Now, I am staring down the barrel of needing to lose 40 MORE pounds to get back to where I started.  That will do a number on your psyche, or at least it has on mine.  Nothing fits right anymore.  I am still wearing maternity clothes a lot of the time, and the clothes that I have either gotten as gifts or as "holdovers" until I lose the weight are in sizes I was hoping never to see again.   I know that this can be temporary - but for today, I am not feeling that hot.

With all this said, I know that tomorrow night will be fun - if I can just take the pressure I've put on myself off and remember to just enjoy the show, and also, if I can remember they are performing for me and not the other way around. 

++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++
Anyone relate to feeling like that?  Have any tricks to get out of your own head when stuff like this comes up?  

Two secrets for the best chocolate chip cookies you have ever had

Anyone that ever knew my mother knew that she was a world class baker - especially well known for her delicious and soft chocolate chip cookies! When she would send me care packages at college, the girls on my dorm floor would come find me on campus to tell me of its arrival, just so they could be there when I opened up the part of the package that contained the cookies. At Mom's memorial service, and in the weeks after, her cookies were mentioned in more than one of the condolences cards or in the sweet comments people made in person.

As luck would have it, she did share with me and my siblings the two secrets to making these incredible cookies. Now, I want to share these two secrets with YOU! I should warn you - these aren't "health" cookies...but they are SO good, you won't care!

Here are the ingredients:

• 2 1/4 cups all-purpose flour
• 1 teaspoon baking soda
• 1 teaspoon salt
• 1 cup of butter flavored Crisco (<--Secret #1 - makes the cookies fluffier)
• 3/4 cup granulated sugar
• 3/4 cup packed brown sugar
• 1 teaspoon vanilla extract
• 2 large eggs
• 2 cups (12-oz. pkg.) of semi-sweet chocolate chips

Here are the instructions:

PREHEAT oven to 375° F.

COMBINE flour, baking soda and salt in a small bowl. Beat Crisco, granulated sugar, brown sugar and vanilla extract in large mixer bowl until creamy. Add eggs, one at a time, beating well after each addition. Gradually beat in flour mixture. Stir in chocolate chips. Taste test the batter to make sure it's awesome (alright, I added that part...) Drop by rounded tablespoon onto ungreased baking sheets.

BAKE for 9 minutes or so. Cool on baking sheets for 2 minutes; then, place on brown paper bags that you have laid out on the counter (it'll absorb a little of the excess grease).

EAT warm with a really cold glass of milk. If you don't eat all of them, STORE them in an airtight container or cookie jar. ADD one piece of loaf bread to the container or cookie jar. (<--Secret #2! This will make the cookies soft to eat later! The bread will become hard as a rock because by some science or magic, all the moisture from the bread will go into the cookies! Genius!)

ENJOY the fame you will reap from serving these to your friends and family.