Why I was so excited to bake muffins with Diana

Mother's Day is bittersweet for me again this year. I absolutely love being a mom, even when it's really challenging, but I hate that my own mother isn't here to see her namesake becoming this spunky, fun little human.

On Friday afternoon, Diana's school had a Mother's Day party. We ate snacks together, and the kids presented us with these sweet little collages that they made. Instead of heading back into work after the party, I decided to spend the rest of the afternoon with my little one as my own Mother's Day gift to myself. 

We went for a walk, we colored in a couple of her favorite coloring books, we played tag, we ate pizza together, and then, we got to do this: 

My husband snapped this photo with his phone from the other room. That's Diana and me making muffins together. It was our first attempt at baking together, and my heart is still full because of it. 

It might seem like a little thing to most people - why get so excited about muffins?? But for me, it felt like I was carrying on a family tradition.

My mom was an incredible baker and cook. She was MacGuyver in the kitchen - she could whip up pretty much anything from nothing, and it was always really good. She loved the act of creating something that would bring people happiness and comfort, something that would sustain and nurture. We had a giant cookie jar in our kitchen, and it was always full with something yummy. When she died, many of the condolence cards mentioned her skills in the kitchen. 

I loved to be in the kitchen with my mom. Who doesn't love to watch a master artist apply their craft?

One of my favorite memories of my mom was from a random day after middle school, when I came banging through the front door before my brother and sister got home, and she was singing along to Lionel Richie on the radio and setting out all the ingredients for us to make her trademark chocolate chip cookies. When she saw me come in, she didn't stop singing, she just grinned and motioned for me to join her. (I still get choked up with I hear "You Are"....)

Over the past 14 years since she died, when I've struggled with missing her or needed to feel connected, I have often resorted to stepping into the kitchen, pulling on an apron, and getting my hands busy making something from her baking repertoire. 

On Friday, I was loving the time I got to spend with Diana, but found myself thinking about how much I wished my mom was still around to be a part of her life. Instead of wallowing in that or letting it ruin an otherwise really lovely afternoon, I decided to show Diana how her grandmother would have loved to be spending time with her. 

So, I pulled out the ingredients to make muffins and all the bowls, spoons and muffin tins, I plopped Diana up on the counter, and held her hands as she put in the eggs, water and oil. I held the bowl as she sloppily stirred everything together. I found myself saying the same things to her that my mom used to say to me: "Make sure you get you get all the lumps out", "don't eat too much of that now or you'll feel sick", and "great job, sweetie, great job." 

Diana loved it. As a matter of fact, she loved it so much that we made two batches! Then, when we were done, I wrapped them up, and we delivered them to our neighbors to say "Happy Mother's Day" to them because that's what my mother would have done. 

Today, I am grateful for having had a mother that taught me about the love of baking and of caring for others with her example of a life of service and sharing, and for the fact that while she's not here anymore, her legacy can live on and on if I choose to share it with her granddaughter, Diana, and all of you.

Our girl is on the move

A lot has happened since the last time I wrote - I started a new job (which I love!), we almost sold the house (which didn't pan out, thank goodness!), we took a vacation with my husband's family down to Pensacola Beach (baby's first time at the beach...MUCH more work than we realized it was going to be!), and now, our little 11 month old wiggle worm is officially a walker!

Check out this adorable video of some of her first tentative steps.  She's getting more confident and daring each minute, so I am sure I will have more to post soon of her jogging around the house!

I've Been Waiting Ten Months For This

It was a good weekend with the family.  My handsome husband was in full on "get stuff done around the house" mode (which I highly encourage!), so I got to spend some quality time, one on one, with my little one. 

We've been trying out new "big girl" food - and like her momma and daddy, she's a big fan of breakfast! 

Messy Breakfast Baby - June 2013

We spent some time on one of Momma's favorite hobbies:  couponing.

Couponing with Momma - June 2013

S took a break from house stuff on Sunday morning, and we all got dressed up and went to church. 

Time for church - June 2013

The best part of the weekend, though, was her new favorite word!  I have been waiting for 10 months to hear this sweet sound!

Giggly Girl

Here's news that will surprise no one:  It's kind of exhausting to keep a baby entertained for hours at a time.  S was working last night - so, it was MY job to find ways to occupy Diana.  As it turns out - she thinks I am kind of funny:

How could I be in a bad mood when I hear THAT? 

Today, I am grateful for:
- Baby Giggles
- Beautiful weather that lets us go for walks every day
- Physical therapy that makes me capable of going for walks
- Pay day (Woo hoo!)
- Friends coming to dinner tonight

Dear God, thank You for a happy, healthy baby - I know it's cliche, but I swear I don't take it for granted.  I am also digging on this weather and having my knee on the mend - getting out and enjoying Your sunshine and handiwork.  Also, thank You for giving my family the resources to make ends meet and prepare for our next step to buy a new home in the next year.  Finally, I want to thank you for the support and encouragement from my friends - I remember a time where I didn't feel like I had any allies left in the whole world, and now, You've seen fit to surround me with love and kinship.  Thank You for these many blessings - and all of the others I didn't list specifically.  Please show me if I can be of service to You and Your kids today.  Amen. 

Being A Motherless Mother

Snuggling with Diana - May 2013

With Mother's Day coming up, I am thinking a LOT about my dear sweet mother.  As I've said many times, she was the closest thing to an angel I'll ever know. Now that I am a mother, I have such a different understanding and appreciation for my mom - and it turns out that I am not the only one.  In the past two days, I read two awesome posts about Mother's Day/motherhood that I want to share:

In the first, Maggie Lamon Simone talks about how she fought becoming her mother for years - and now, it's all she wants to be.  I can completely relate to feeling like that.  As a teen, and in my early 20's, I was often dismissive, mean, and full of contempt to a woman that never showed me anything but love, patience and faith.  These days, I just hope to be half of the woman and mother she was.

Maggie was, too:  "My mom is patient and loving and trusting, even toward some who seemed undeserving, and as a result I thought her blind. She is devoted, even to a husband who had demons enough for both of them, and I thought her weak. She has an implicit faith and almost spiritual innocence usually reserved for children, even when faced with unimaginable loss, and I thought her naïve. 

And she has a commitment to her family and her life that, unbelievably, I found limiting. She is secure and beautiful and strong, and I misread it all.

What I mistook for blindness was the most profound patience and ability to forgive that I have ever witnessed. I thanked her by doing every possible wrong thing, taking every possible wrong turn, learning every possible lesson the hard way -- academically, romantically, alcoholically -- almost daring her to turn away from me. She never did.

What I mistook for naivete was, in fact, the kind of unquestioning faith in God, in herself and in others that I now envy. I thanked her by not believing in anything, not even myself."

In the second, Claire Bidwell Smith talks about being a motherless mother.  Now that she has children of her own, she feels reconnected to her own mother in ways she never anticipated - and that's my experience, as well.   I can actually feel my mother coming through me as I start to navigate the waters of parenthood with Diana.

Claire writes:  "And in this wildly unexpected way, I feel as though I have been given my mother back. Time and time again, I hear her voice in mine, I feel her hand in mine. She is there with me when I'm teaching Vera how to bake cookies, or when I'm up in the middle of another sleepless night, cradling my smallest. 

It's not even that I feel like she's been given back to me, but that my mother has been given to me anew. I understand her in a way I never did before. I see her in a way I never did. When I tuck my girls into bed at night, when I smooth Vera's hair away from her forehead when she has a fever, or scoop Juliette into my arms after a tumble, my heart spilling over for them, I often find myself breathless with the realization of just how much my mother loved me. 

They will never know her the way I did. They will never call her grandma or experience any of her mischievous adventures. They will never get care packages in the mail from her or cook with her in the kitchen as I did. But they will know her in the way that I love them, in the way that I see them and hear them and name them."

In small ways, every day, I am starting to like I know my mom more than I ever did, and it makes me sad and grateful at the same time.  It's complicated to be a motherless mother.  Honestly, I hate being part of this club, but it is comforting to know that I am not alone. 

Don't Buy Me A Mother's Day Present - Really!

My daughter is 7 months old, and I am basically obsessed with her. Anyone that knows me knows that I love being a mom - and I obviously write it about her adventures quite frequently here in this blog.

So, my husband was SHOCKED when I told him I didn't want a Mother's Day present.  I really, really, really don't.  This isn't a trick, this isn't a game.  I don't want one.  Actually, to be more accurate, I don't need one. 

I just had a birthday last weekend, and he went WAY over the top for it, which was fun...but now, as a mom, I am much more aware of what that money could be used to buy (i.e. diapers, clothes, day care...).  While it was super sweet that he got me an awesome Coach purse (kudos to him for picking out a good one!), and took me out to not one, but TWO birthday dinners, I was stressed out the whole time, calculating what he had spent so far.

Tuesday night, we were paying bills, and I made him look me in the eye, hear the words that I was saying and PROMISE that he wasn't going to buy me anything for Mother's Day.  Get me a card or something.  Write me a letter that tells me what a good mom I am (and hopefully, you won't have to lie!).  Or better yet, take care of the things that need to be done around the house for the entire day.  I definitely wouldn't mind having a day off!  (Not that he doesn't usually help...but to have a whole day off would be pretty awesome!)

My mother used to reply, when we asked her what she wanted for a particular holiday, with the same thing, every time:  "I just want you kids to get along."  As an adult, now, I know she actually meant that! 

Am I nuts?  Am I setting a dangerous precedent?  Will I live to regret announcing this to my husband and to you all? 

I don't care.  I don't need "stuff".  Don't get me wrong...I LIKE stuff.  I just know now that I don't need it to feel like I am appreciated or recognized.  These days, I would much rather a sweet compliment, a nice letter, or an act of kindness.  So, if my husband asks you - recommend one (or all) of those, please!  I really mean it! 

(*Note:  This doesn't mean that everyone else feels the same way.  Please consult the mothers on your list to find out if they would like presents or not.  You don't want to mess this one up.  Trust me.)

We are in trouble - she's officially crawling now!

Last night, Diana was playing on her play mat - and I had one of her favorite toys positioned a little distance away.  After weeks of doing the "Army Crawl", she decided to really go for it.  She tucked her legs up under her, and start crawling.

It's amazing to me that, one day, Diana can't do something, and then, the next day, it's like she's been doing it for months!

Do you think she gets her stubborness from me?

We've been trying to get Diana to try new foods:  sweet potatoes, green beans, carrots, avocado, cereal...

So far, she's not a huge fan of anything off of a spoon.  After some assurances from my mommy friends, I know that she's not going to starve, and that this phase of eating is mostly about developing a palate and learning the skill of eating off of a spoon. 

She's found a good way to let us know her opinion about the food we are trying to serve her.  Do you think she gets her stubborness from me??  (God help me...if she's like this at 6 months, we are in for quite the ride!)

Why I Take and Share So Many Pictures of My Daughter

It was a weekend of firsts for our little family:  first trip to see the Easter Bunny, first trip to Oak Mountain State Park, first time in a swing.  Of course, I had the camera going the whole time - I didn't want to miss a minute.   The professional photographer at the Walgreens where they had the Easter Bunny set up even had to remind me to let HIM take his photo first (the one we paid him to take!), before jumping in with my camera.

There's a couple of reasons that I want to take so many photos (and post them).  First, I do it because a lot of my family and friends live far away.  The only way for them to keep up with all of her "firsts" and fun moments is for me to take photos and videos and post them.  I wish they could all be with us all of the time, but the harsh reality is that we just don't get to see them that often.

The second, and more important, reason is because I know what it's like not to have them.  As most of you know, I lost my mom almost 13 years ago to breast cancer, at the age of 50.  It was long before I met and fell in love with husband, and long before I had the incredible opportunity to become a mom to Diana.

As we travel through the awesome journey of all of Diana's firsts, I would love to talk to my mom about them...but obviously, I can't.  The next best thing would to have photos of them, but most of those don't exist or got misplaced along the way.  

So, I've been taking photos of EVERYTHING so that Diana has a record of all of her firsts and fun moments along the way.  I certainly hope I am around for a very long time, and that I am here to have conversations with Diana when she has her first child...but just in case, I am playing paparazzi and historian.  If she ever wonders what her youth was like, you can just point her here.  (I've also started her an email account where I email her fun photos and videos, and share thoughts about her growth and life. It's kind of like a virtual baby book!)

I'm also trying to make an effort to be IN the photos (totally against my nature), so that she has her mom as part of her memories.  Too many times, I see moms behind the camera - and left OUT of the photos, and I want to make sure that doesn't happen to our family. 

So, if you'll indulge me - here are some memories we made this weekend. 

Dressed up for the Bunny!

"Hmmm...I am not sure about this guy..."

Bundled up and ready to roll at the park!

She's a happy girl hanging out with her mommy and daddy at the park!

First swing - Daddy's pushing!

Mommy's turn to push!

 

"Okay, now, I am starting to like this whole swinging thing!"

 

And now, for the video!   

For more photos:  https://www.facebook.com/media/set/?set=a.10151405721098355.1073741826.738188354&type=1&l=d4be64c2b3

A double standard rears its ugly head

Quite frequently, I feel like I am failing - because I can't find time for all the things I want to do.  I am a woman that wants to do it ALL - and sets a crazy amount of New Year's resolutions to challenge myself to make it happen. 

Often, I feel like I am playing one of those whack-a-mole games where I can never quite get all the moles back in their holes.  If I spend time working out, then, I am not spending time working on getting my real estate license.  If I spend time on my real estate license, then, I am not spending time working on fundraising for Komen.  If I spend time fundraising for Komen, then, I am not spending enough time with my husband.  If I am spending time with my husband, I am not getting the house clean. And the list goes on....

Recently, I had a conversation with my good friend Donna and got very honest about feeling so very overwhelmed and burnt out.  It was the end of a week of my daughter being sick, which had required me to stay home with her and derailed a lot of my best laid plans to check things off my list that week.  I was feeling like I had massively failed - when the reality was that I hadn't failed at all.  I had my most important job:  taking care of my daughter.  And, I'll go ahead and pat myself on the back a little:  I had done it well! Instead of focusing on that fact, I was only focusing on the things that hadn't gotten done - and on burning myself out trying to find time to get to them. 

Donna reminded me to slow down, and focus on the care I had given my daughter.  To stop and remember to take care of MYSELF and not try to do it all, all at once.  It felt like GRACE. 

If the conversation had been reversed, and it was her calling ME to share with me the same situation, I would have responded to her with kindness, caring and compassion (exactly like she responded to me!). 

Why is it so hard for us to extend ourselves the grace that we gladly give our friends?  Why do we impose impossible standards on ourselves?  Why do we berate ourselves for falling short of those standards - especially when we know that, in reality, there's really no way to have and do it "all"?  

I wish I had some great, wise answer to share - but for now, I will just share this: When I catch myself being hard on myself, I am going to try to back up and talk to myself like I would to a friend.  When I set my resolutions, they were supposed to be fun goals for the year - not something to make myself feel bad if I don't do it all, right NOW! 

In the wise words of one of my favorite bloggers, Jon Acuff, I am going to give myself some grace today.   In the wise words of Brene Brown, I am going to try to focus on the fact that I am enough! 

Do you have the same double standard when it comes to how you treat yourself vs. your friends? 

Another letter I wish I had written to my daughter

Diana turned 4 months on Friday, so I know I don't have to think about her leaving any time in the near future.  That being said, I also know that time is going to FLY - and I am going to wish I had said some of these things to her before she heads off into the big, crazy world. 

So, Diana - this is a letter that I wish I had written to you, written by another mom that looked at her young daughter this week and also realized that the day will come when she won't live under Mommy's roof anymore.  Just because I didn't write it myself does not mean that I don't relate to every word below - or mean it with all of my heart.  Love you to the moon and back, Mommy.  

P.S.  When I just searched for an image to post with this letter and typed in the words "girl going to college", I am straight up horrified at what I found.  Please, please, please don't ever pose for those kinds of photos.  They will haunt you forever, as in someday, your son or daughter might find them.  

Dear Viv,

Tomorrow, you're headed off to college. Your Dad and I are so fucking proud of you. What, you didn't know mom dropped F-bombs? I've been saving them up until you left the house. Your poor Dad is going feel like he's living with Sam Kinison.

Since your high school years were not nearly as tortured and awkward as your mother's, perhaps you will not feel the need to go full Girls-Gone-Wild bananas in college like I did, but just in case, here are some helpful guidelines:

Do not drink the punch. It's flammable and toxic and boys have most definitely peed in there. If you must drink, stick with beer, which will hopefully fill you up before you can poison yourself.

Please don't do drugs. But if you're going to try drugs, do like mom always taught you at Whole Foods and buy organic.

When you go out at night, always use the buddy system. (Your buddy is a nice girl from your dorm. Preferably a Mormon.) When that cute lacrosse player wants to show you the roof of his fraternity house, ask yourself, is my buddy here? No? Then go find her and walk home together.

No naked photos. If some boy you like really needs a permanent record of your boobs, suggest that he draw you from life, Titanic-style. He supplies the diamond.

Make friends with girls. Guys can also be terrific friends, but until the When Harry Met Sally theory of gender relations is formally disproven, some of those friendships may be lost to unrequited feelings or bad kissing. Girls are for life.

Speaking of permanence, I hear tattoo removal is quite painful.

Don't automatically skip the opening band. The Beastie Boys once opened for Madonna.

If someone offers you a chance to march on Washington for a cause you believe in, go. This rarely happens after college, and never again does it come with a shiny bus and matching t-shirts.

Courses like philosophy, art history and literature will open your mind, unveil the beauty in the world and make you really good at crossword puzzles. That said, it wouldn't hurt to take an accounting class.

I know it's more convenient, but remember that texting will never be as satisfying as an in-person conversation. Would you rather have a pizza described to you or delivered to your door?

And one more thing I learned in college a few times over: A broken heart feels like the end of the world, but it's just the beginning -- as well as the foundation for all the best songs and poetry.

Viv, I hope you'll take some of this advice to heart, but whether you do or not, I'll still be there whenever you need me. Once upon a time, I knew a lot about great novelists and boys. I can still talk with some authority about boys. (Or should you fall in love with girls, I'm a quick study.)

I'm so excited for you. As it says in our story book, I love all that you will be, and everything you are.

Love you madly,
Mom

(Written by Amy Wruble:  http://www.huffingtonpost.com/amy-wruble/college-advice-for-daughters_b_2264720.html?ncid=edlinkusaolp00000003)  

Who else feels like they are failing at motherhood?

The Huffington Post always hooks me with their catchy article headlines - but THIS one definitely caught my eye:  "Why You're Never Failing As A Mother".

Um, hello??  Are you reading my diary?? How did you know that I feel like that??  I love my daughter - but I feel like I am failing every day with her.  I have all these ideas of how things "should" be with her - and I never quite achieve that ideal in my head.  My "to do" list currently remains largely undone:  sending out birth announcements, making Christmas cookies, printing out pictures of the family to decorate her crib at day care, starting her baby book, sending out Christmas cards, getting laundry folded, spending the allotted time on her tummy each day, daily FaceTime appointments with friends and family, etc.

Most days, it's just a matter of survival, especially when S is traveling for work - making sure Diana's fed and clothed, has her diaper changed and a place to sleep when she wants to.  I do the best I can, but feel like I am falling way, way, way short every single day. 

So, that is why I kind of want to hug Amy Morrison from the Huffington Post today.  She wrote this:

I've gotten a lot of emails from women saying they feel overwhelmed by motherhood. Not in a dangerous way, just in a "I totally suck and I don't know how I'm supposed to manage all this" kind of way.

To this I say, you're not supposed to.

If you think about it, if you had a baby thousands, if not hundreds of years ago, you would have had your mother, all your sisters (all of whom were probably lactating) and your nieces all taking care of your baby. They would help with food preparation, show you how to manage and make sure your baby wasn't eaten by a bear. Your kid's feet probably wouldn't have touched the ground until they themselves would be able to carry around an infant.

Back then, the point of a child was to have free labor in the fields and someone to take care of your old ass down the road, and not much more.

As for the past generations that like to tell you that they raised six kids on their own and did it without a washing machine? Well, sort of. Keep in mind child rearing was viewed pretty differently not that long ago and you could stick a toddler on the front lawn with just the dog watching and nobody would bat an eye at it -- I used to walk to the store in my bare feet to buy my father's cigarettes when I was a kid. As a mother, you cooked, you cleaned, but nobody expected you to do anything much more than keep your kids fed and tidy.

My grandmother used to tell the story about how she forgot my mother at the grocery store in the early '40s. She walked up to the store with my mother sleeping in her carriage, parked it outside with all the other sleeping babies (I'll let that sink in), went inside to do her shopping, then walked home, forgetting that she'd taken the baby with her. She quickly realized her mistake and walked back and retrieved my mother, who was still sleeping outside the store.

There were no flashcards, there was no sign language (unless you were deaf), there were no organic, free-range bento boxes -- your job was to just see a kid through to adulthood and hope they didn't become an idiot.

Hey, I'm not judging, and I'm not saying one way is better than the other, but I'm just saying that we are part of a generation that considers parenting to be a skill. Like a true skill that needs to be mastered and perfected and if we don't get it right, we think our kids suffer for it -- and that's hard sh*t to keep up with. That's not to say other generations didn't have it tough or think parenting was important, but there just wasn't the same level of scrutiny that could be liked, tweeted or instagramed all at once.

You are in the trenches when you have a baby. To the untrained eye it seems pretty straightforward and easy -- you feed them, you bathe them, you pick them up when they cry -- but it's more than that. It's perpetual motion with a generous layer of guilt and self-doubt spread on top, and that takes its toll.

Feeling like you also need to keep on top of scrapbooking, weight loss, up-cycled onesies, handprints, crock pot meals, car seat recalls, sleeping patterns, poo consistency, pro-biotic supplements, swimming lessons, electromagnetic fields in your home and television exposure is like trying to knit on a rollercoaster -- it's f*cking hard.

We live in a time when we can Google everything, share ideas and expose our children to amazing opportunities, but anyone that implies that they have it figured out is either drunk or lying (or both), so don't be too hard on yourself.

Your job is to provide your child with food, shelter, encouragement and love, and that doesn't have to be solely provided by you either -- feel free to outsource, because they didn't just pull that "it takes a village" proverb out of the air.

Mommy and Me classes, homemade lactation cookies and learning Cantonese is all gravy, and if you can throw them in the mix once in a while, good on ya, Lady. I have about 9,000 things I've pinned on Pinterest and I think I've done four of them, which is fine by me, because those are above and beyond goodies, and not part of my just-scraping-by norm.

It's an amazing and exciting time to have a baby right now, but always keep in mind, no one has ever done it like this before -- you are pioneers that have to machete through the new terrain. Chin up. Hang in there. And remember, you're doing a great job.